A Mask That's Wearing Me

There's nothing interesting about drinking. My face and lips are swollen and red. I can seek the same experiences without alcohol. What am I looking for. Why do I want to get in trouble. What if I disappeared. Got sober. Worked out religiously. Was kind to myself. Slept better. Slept more. Cried less. Played guitar all day. Stopped repeating the same stories. I have one chance. Why throw it away. Why am I so intrigued by nightlife. Why am I addicted to cold coffee and good wine. Do I want to be seen. Who am I when I'm not perceived. Staying out of trouble feels like the death of a girl I've always dreamt of being. I don't care about getting into heaven. I don't need instant gratification. I don't want to be venerated for my discipline. I just want to be kinder to myself.